Why are laptop bags for women so fucking ugly? While looking around online last night to trying to find a reasonably priced, attractive laptop bag to tote My Precious around in, I came across a ridiculous amount of hideous bags.
I realize that if you know all the kitschy places to look online, you can find cute laptop bags. But your average consumer isn’t exactly a cute laptop bag connoisseur. They’re going to know big online shops like Amazon and John Lewis, so that is where they’re going to look first. Really, it shouldn't be that freakin' difficult to find bags for women that won't make your eyes bleed.
To highlight the extreme Fug Female Laptop Bag issue we have on our hands, I’ve created a roundup of the ugliest bags I’ve found.
My criteria for these bags to be on this list, I simply asked myself,
“Would I be taken serious if I went into a meeting with this laptop bag?”
“Would I feel awesome toting my laptop around London or San Francisco in this?”
“Is it practical? Does the shoulder strap look comfortable?”
All of these bags, which came up very high on the searches I did on Amazon and John Lewis’ website, received a resounding NO to all three questions.
1. The Mango Tango Striped Laptop Bag, Amazon, $44.99
The colors on this bag aren't horrible. In fact, I like them. However, let's check out that skinny little strap. By the time you put your laptop, wallet, power cables, phone, notebook, pens and whatever other crap you need with you to go to work, that skinny little strap is going to be digging into your shoulder so hard, it may sever your arm off. Also, it looks like a bowling bag. No thank you.
2. The Designer Sleeves Laptop Bag, Amazon, $44.95
This bag reminds me of a sweatshirt soccer moms would wear while handing out orange slices at half time. Even more disturbing, this bag comes in about 20 other designs, all of which look like what would happen if Lisa Frank and Kathy's Comments had a love child.
Sure the strap looks comfy, but I'd feel like the world's biggest jackass carrying that around. However, I guess it would be a great way to ensure your bag and your laptop never got stolen.
3. The Radley Rolling Rock Laptop Trolley Case, John Lewis, £150
Can you honestly imagine any self respecting woman rolling through town with her laptop in a trolley? Trolleys are for Grandma's to carry their shopping home from the grocery store in. Trolleys are not for laptops. Do you really want to be that annoying, loud woman on Bart or The Underground rolling her laptop behind her and pissing everyone off? Nooooo. No you don't.
Sure the design is cute. Sure it'll be comfortable seeing as you're just dragging your shit behind you instead of carrying it around, but save the rolling devices for when you're going on vacation - not to work.
4. The Belkin Messenger Bag, Amazon, $42.15
I hate to rag on Belkin because they make some seriously fantastic laptop accessories, but this bag is horrendous. It will keep your laptop safe. It will keep your shoulder happy, but I can't see myself carrying this thing around, or wanting to show up to a meeting with it. The off-white fabric will surely get dirty. It seems a bit bulky and looks like those ghetto suitcases you can buy at TJ(K) Maxx for $15.99.
It's recieved great reviews on Amazon, but I have to say, the snob in me just thinks it's the equivalent of wearing old grey sweatpants when you could be wearing a great fitting pair of Levis.
5. The Oliepops Pink Polka Dot Faux Leather Laptop Bag, Amazon, £29.99
O hai, Minnie Mouse called, she wants her bag back. I am huge fan of polka dots and an even bigger fan of hot pink (so shoot me) but this bag makes me want to cry. Is this what women in tech want? A FAUX LEATHER, HOT PINK BAG to carry around!? I think not.
Again, yes it looks comfortable, but it is embarrassingly ugly and just wreaks of "THIS IS A LAPTOP BAG FOR A WOMAN" with is overtly, forced "feminine" look. I can't stand the standard laptop bag design, and it drives me up a wall when they take the same damn design, stick some fake cow hide on it, color it pink and label it "For Women"!
6. The Radley Square Patch Laptop Bag, John Lewis, £55
Just looking at it, this bag isn't all that bad. The color is blah without being hideous, but there doesn't seem to be a strap and looks rather uncomfortable to carry around. The biggest problem with this bag? The Scottie dog. Would you take a person seriously if they sat down in a board room and busted out a laptop bag with a Scottish Terrier on it? No. No you wouldn't.
I'm not sure what exactly sparked the Scottie Dog phenomenon and why it's suddenly appropriate to put on laptop accessories, but it whatever it is, it needs to stop. Now.
Not one to just bitch without presenting an alternative solution, tomorrow I will have a lovely round-up of the best laptop bags for women online. They're out there, all right. But they're most certainly not being made by the likes of John Lewis or Oliepops...